Wednesday, 21 September 2016
I was a little skeptical about writing this post and it's taken a while for me to really have the words to write down or sort of just admit to the world that my life needed to change. It's tough to admit when you need help, so I hope my story inspires you or just gives you an insight into my experience at university. This was a tough one to write and share.
Back in January I made the strange and hard decision to actually drop out of my university course.
So I was in 3rd year.. the final year (the one with the light at the end of the tunnel, aka a shiny hat and a lovely photo) but I was at some strange dark place in my life that had continued since I first started university. Uni is supposed to be a fun, spontaneous experience but for me (although amazingly fun) was also hugely eye opening in terms of mental health and life skills. I realised that I had no social skills whatsoever, I hated my course, I felt so lonely and sad my work on my course suffered, I no longer went into any of my lessons, I struggled with the workload, had no skills because I had missed so many lessons and in turn I was faced with a serious decision.
To drop out of my final year.
At first I was adamant that I would stay, I don't know how I planned to do that, but I didn't want to start again or feel as though I failed, I also didn't want to let my parents or family down. My tutors were telling me their advice was to leave and start over, and I just felt that all the odds were just against me. I was so worried, mainly because all my friends, would be graduating without me and I wanted to finish my course and just get it over with. But after much consideration and decision making (with my dad) we came to the conclusion that I would drop out.
After making this decision it just was a huge relief, so much weight off my shoulders and no longer did I have to panic and worry about the work I had missed and I could start a-fresh in the new term.
Great, awesome. But then came the huge blow that was my job. I was doing my dream job in marketing, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind and my work suffered and I took it really personally. I was on a support plan and after a few weeks, their advice to me was to hand in my notice. I felt like a failure, I failed at university, I failed at my job. I didn't want to fight my corner when I was so socially and emotionally fragile. I felt as though I couldn't do anything and I had to hand in my notice. Which was probably tougher than the university decision I made.
So for about a month or so, I was unemployed, no longer a student and mentally ill. I was bored, I was trying to apply for jobs to have some income, to stop myself from going stir-crazy at home and then I just went back to bar work. I applied for a full-time bar job on the seafront and it was the best thing I ever did. I made friends my own age, I was thrown into social situations that I had to grow up and deal with. Within a month of being at my job, I was told I would have to pick up the pace and to cut things short, I got a kick up the backside. Which again really hit a nerve with me because of my last job but this time I refused to let someone else think that I was shit at my job. I refused to let someone let me feel as though I couldn't do something. so I did it.
I picked my shit up and I worked hard, I changed my state of mind and it really made me look at the world a lot more differently and now I feel like a valued member of the team with a lovely family of friends.
So I'm actually really excited to go back to university this September. I'm excited to push myself and do something I didn't do the previous years and actually work hard, turn up, be there and prove myself wrong. I don't need to have friends on my course, I'm there to work. That dropping out didn't make me a failure, that handing in my notice didn't make me a failure. I know I can achieve it and I know I will.
Although it all sucked at the time, it was just meant to happen.. because of those experiences now I have a goal to work towards, and for that I am so thankful.
I would love to hear your experience or stories, or if you fancy a chat, feel free to make a comment or send me an email :)
Tuesday, 3 May 2016
Friday, 4 March 2016
This has been abit of a weird post, that I've been wanted to post for some time, but just didn't really have the right words for it, so it's taken a few attempts to gather my thoughts into what I actually wanted this post to be about and what it was I wanted to talk about. And its partially about mental health and self esteem.
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
An ember in the ashes - Sabaa Tahir
I finally finished my book! This was quite a long intense read, which I often found quite challenging but I will 100% be reading the sequel when it comes out!
I'll try to keep this as non-spoilery as possible! But here are some of my generalized thoughts about the book and how I found the entire experience of the read.. a little review!
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Phew! What a mouthful. After deciding I was bored with my blonde hair, which to be honest it has been a while for me! I wanted a change that was different, but I didn't really want it to be bright and I knew I didn't want to go super dark. It took alot of effort to go to blonde and I wanted to preserve my efforts.
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
I've always been creative, for as long as I can remember.
My mother cuts out sea creatures made of wood, she paints them, carefully, each one. I watch her from wide eyes. It's not a necessity, they're only going to be hung up in mine and my brothers bedroom. But they're cute and they fit above my bunk bed, and they look so nice on the lime green walls, a little blue octopus with it's legs carved into wood.
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Living with anxiety can be a real hard struggle. People often misinterpret anxiety as something everyone feels from time to time, which is right! Sometime's its good to be a little scared about something. But for me yesterday, leaving my flat to go get some food from Tesco made me so frightened of leaving my cosy little nook I just completely freaked out.. weird right. I don't even know what I was afraid of! After my moment of panic I calmed myself down and pushed myself out of that front door and told myself that I CAN do this.
After I had set myself this small goal, I realized it's the little things.
The little tasks or goals we complete throughout the day that make us feel better about ourselves. The personal ones.
Even if it's a very small thing that would seem silly to other people but is personal to you. Goals that others set you can often be unrealistic and unclear if they don't understand what it is you need. Working towards a better you involves setting yourself small personal goals.
Not being at university anymore means that I have quite a bit of time on my hands and deciding what to do with that time can often be quite hard to do! (as silly as that sounds)
As a person who benefits from having routine, and yeah, I would say I need routine in my life to function, it's often difficult for me to 'take a break' as I'm not sure what to do with all this free time that I now have.
So in this break period I'm going to focus on my little things, my little goals that enable me to become a more stronger person to myself.
Here are some small goals I'm currently working on:
- finishing that god damn book I've been reading!
- becoming a morning person
- no netflix after 9pm
- go outside alone and read a book
- go somewhere totally alone at least once a week
- make sure my little tasks get done (eg going to the bank etc)
Although these goals may seem silly or unnecessary to some people they mean alot to me, and also will help to keep my anxiety in check.
What goals are you working on at the moment?
Monday, 15 February 2016
Project life has started again this year and January is all finished! In case you don't know about pocket scrapbooking, this is it! Most of my cards and pockets are sourced from the Project life app, along with other random bits of Becky Higgin's project life. I'm keeping on top of all my scrapping over the new year, looking at inspiration for pocket scrapbooking (there's loads on Pinterest)
I'm not really sure how I'm going to continue laying these out as I'm not a huge fan of the photos.. but its all a work in progress.
I finished scrapping January last week and I wanted to share my layout pages (and you can kind of see what I've been up to this month)
This is probably my favourite layout page of all, I'm going to continue using straight corners and alot more photos. I'm also enjoying using the project life app, which allows you to put text on your cards etc before you print them (which I'm loving) so easy and quick.
So that was January, and now I'm working on Feb!
If you're looking to start project life, or scrapbooking, I'll be posting the best things to buy to get you started pretty soon, so keep your eyes peeled! 👀
Sunday, 14 February 2016
It's valentine's day, the day single's dread and the day couples get all cosy. But regardless of what you're up to today, it's super important to take care of yourself!
My lovely partner is currently on a plane over the Atlantic ocean, chasing his New York dream, while I'm stuck in my little flat in the south coast of the UK. I'm so jealous right now and I could mope around about it, or take the next few days to TREAT MYSELF. (By treating I don't mean buying things because right now I'm broke..)
So what glorious things am I up to today?
Well my housemate has gone to visit her parents for a week, my boyf is in NY, and that leaves me with a lot of time, and a lot of flat. Which I'm kind of happy about. It means I can use the next week to be productive and active, enjoy spending time by myself and finally finish the overwhelming amount of books that I haven't started yet.
Taking a shower (and singing in it)
Yep, I did this about 15 minutes ago. There's some amazing playlists on Spotify, one of my favourite's being the 'singing in the shower' playlist. It's amazing, you're in a hot shower, you're clean and fresh.. and no-one can judge you while you create your own naked show. Music always improves my mood and gets me feeling productive and happy and get me into the right mindset.
Treating yourself to good food.
So as I'll be eating alone tonight, I've put my ingredients in my slow cooker, which is now bubbling away for the next 6 hours or so. A lovely vegan chilli, which I'll probably pair up with rice and curl up and eat on the sofa later. Although it doesn't sound exciting, I'm really looking forward to it.
Cleaning your living space
For me it's always exciting when my flatmate leaves, because it means I can sort of relax and I really enjoy cleaning. I'm a little OCD when it comes to this, so knowing I've cleaned and can relax in my own home makes me feel so happy and nice. Living or working in a messy environment can make you feel rubbish. Also it's a Sunday, so that mean's it will be nice and clean for the rest of the week!
Reading a book
Being alone means that I can finally concentrate on getting some books read. I'm constantly buying books that I want to read and somehow lose time. Today and the next few days I'm really going to focus on just setting aside time to relax and lose myself in a good storyline. If you want to know what I'm reading at the moment, my goodreads is in my sidebar!
Watching a chick-flick
By chick flick, I don't mean the titanic. Some of my favourite classics that I'll probably watch this evening is Bridesmaids, Legally Blonde or if I'm feeling a little adventurous a silly little documentry on Netflix.
Completing a Hobby
I'm also going to really focus on my blog today and this week after my long break. But if I wasn't I would complete my scrapbooking or something that I was working on at the time. Or maybe just having a cup of tea..
Enjoy your Valentine's!
Friday, 23 October 2015
But recently I've been noticing how much more confidence I have in myself, which is incredibly important to me, considering the place I was in, lets say, last year.. But what does sense of self mean?
Its your personality, your identity and your self esteem, which makes up the very core of who you are as a person. So in my case that brings alot of positivity to my life, I have a tendency to shy away from large groups of people, I would much rather sit in the corner and talk to one person than a group, but I've found as I've become more independent, it's increased my confidence and boosted my sense of self.
Friendship is so important to me and growing up in my later teens, I always felt like I didn't have any friends.. acquaintances, maybe, but if somebody didn't like me or want to hang out, I would take it personally and feel as though I wasn't good enough. It was all down to my sense of self and confidence in myself.
Because I had none.
Back to my little reflection earlier, people say hurtful things because their sense of self is warped or broken in some kind of way, and if they can't accept you or even want to, then why should their warped ideas or opinions determine your self-worth?
Same goes for dating, going back to a post I wrote a while back - after reading it again I thought why the hell did I feel that way - if somebody wants to join me on my crazy whirlwind, then that's cool. But if they don't it isn't a reflection of myself.
For once in my life I feel like I rule.. and I wanted to shout about it, and rant.. about stuff
Wednesday, 30 September 2015
This month I've decided to get back into reading. I've been a bookworm since I was very little, going to the library every week after school and I lost my love for reading as I got older. So in an attempt to 'rekindle' my love for books I set myself a challenge! I will try to keep this as non-spoilery as possible..
Thursday, 24 September 2015
It's no secret as I've spoken many times about the difficulties I have faced whilst being at university regarding mental health. For all those lovely freshers out there, you have no idea what is ahead! It is extremely common for students to struggle with mental health issues and I am not surprised! Moving away from home, combined with all the added stress of studying + trying to make friends is extremely overwhelming! Noticing the signs that you have a problem before it escalates is something to really look out for. I will be going into my third and final year this year and honestly, I didn't really have my shit together till the end of last year. I felt so much more confident once I had set a routine and I want to carry that on to the most important year of all. So here are some of my tips I've found to work if I get into a rut.